My take on TV anchors, taking off from a very nice satire doing the email rounds:
NAME: Rajdeep “ ‘but you-you-you’ (every five seconds)” Sardesai
SIGNATURE STYLE: Interpretation genius. Has potential to decode English in a way it sounds like Chinese to the viewers.
USP: Salt and peppery hair, living with Sagarika Ghose’s vocal cords
CREDO: Substances are meant to be abused, the substance being facts.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Facts are weapons of convenience to be used to confuse. Each time, a show dares veer in a direction he doesn’t like, he wills it around to his point of view. The viewer is happy he has been informed and has made an opinion; the studio ‘guest’ thinks he has made his statement and Rajdeep continues his merry circus, manfully driving public opinion without their knowledge, pun intended.
Most likely to say: "There is another side the rains have to tell. Right after this break (a grim smile or grimace, depends on your interpretation)."
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NAME: Sagarika “shake you out of your wits” Ghose
SIGNATURE STYLE: Interruptions only. No interpretations, real or imagined. She’s like that only.
USP: Voice that hits with the power of a volcanic eruption. If she ever shut up, you would hear the microphone wimper and disintegrate.
CREDO: TV is all about athletics. Her continued preference is for voice sports, a category created by her. The louder you can holler, the greater your chances of winning. She wins hands down. No other hands go up.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: On TV, Ghose plays another game called ‘Face me tonight’. Those who dare are stung by her vocal fangs as their words are drowned out in a rising crescendo of screams. They are suitably pulverized not to attempt another word. The real trick is in collecting ten eclectic studio names and not letting them get past their first sentence. She gets help from the voltage fluctuations caused by her supersonic efforts which silence the electronic systems in the studio. CNN-IBN renews the annual maintenance contract for these systems every day.
Most likely to say: “Hate is real. Let’s get the Pakistanis on that. Mr Muzaffar, what do you say about the hate Australians have for Indians?”
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NAME: Barkha “keep them guessing” Dutt
SIGNATURE STYLE: Skin of a crocodile. Her tears are real.
USP: Deceptive they may be but appearances are important. So the mask of fairness stays put.
CREDO: Life is about being democratic. So I dare to wear dangling earrings.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: She’s sensible, and will never arrive at any inference at the end of her shows which is peopled by VIPs and VVIPs mostly saying, “Barkha, I don’t agree.” A summary sign-off ensues, with an enduring visual of Barkha’s mouth stretched into what could have been a smile but has lost its way. She has spunk. She has staying power. She will wilfully get soldiers in the firing line of terrorists (26/11), will can all the Radia tapes, and emerge with a halo.
Most likely to say: "Ragging is another name for abuse, or is it? Some agree, some don’t."
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NAME: Arnab “The Man Who Knows and Speaks the Truth and Only the Truth” Goswami
SIGNATURE STYLE: Consistent moral outrage. He hates duplicity or falsehoods, which mostly pass for other people’s views.
USP: He invented power but eschews its worldly trappings so that we get to see him on prime time every day.
CREDO: His wondrous worldview includes all those who disagree with him but he is damned if he lets them think they can change the way he governs the world.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: Arnab forms opinions quickly and then sacrifices half the world to feed that opinion because it is the right thing to do. He makes news simply by being on it. He is capable of making life-saving decisions for the nation. He is God’s personal assurance to common man that He exists and will step in when things go wrong. This is indicated by a thunderclap that sounds each time Arnab turns grimly to glare down a hostile guest. His studio guests are usually adversaries who have ganged up against the world. And Arnab braves them all to make it through the day for us. India is reworking its anthem into ‘God save the King’ for him.
Most likely to say: "I am outraged, therefore I am. And if I am outraged, so is the nation"
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NAME: Karan Thapar
SIGNATURE STYLE: Clipped accent enabled by a nose with a permanent cold, snap-and-grind-till-they-drop posturing and finger-jabbing that pokes into the ribs.
USP: Thapar uses his smile sparingly and keeps it strained because he knows overuse can kill. He can shrink his subject to pulp by the sheer power of his smile that comes at the end of an interview by which time the subject is compacted into a withered wallflower.
CREDO: A stiff upper lip is the biggest asset in interviewing skills. A stiff lower lip is an added advantage.
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: By the time the opponent (as the subject of his interviews is identified in Karan’s mind) starts his reply, Karan has anticipated it, processed it in his uniquely angular way, and confounded the subject with a fresh bouncer that has him struggling for breath. In half hour, Karan grills, sautés and purees the opponent with his cold stares, steely squints and glacial sneers. At the end, he thanks the opponent for giving him the opportunity to speak his mind without interruption.
To facilitate this steamy interaction, his unsuspecting subjects are usually strapped to the arm rests of the hot seat with metal clasps.
Most likely to say: "Why would you say Advani was not the first woman speaker? Any logical reason?"
